Artemis Fowl: The Fanfic Burst
by Verity Strange
Summary: What happens when a demonic pixie breaks the meter containing dumb fanfictions and kidnaps two hairy fairies? Why, Butler attempts to kiss Artemis, of course! After all, in the land of hopeless language, what else would you do?
1. Chapter 1: Terror Awakens

Disclaimer: I own almost none of the characters, except for the obvious ones of whom you have never heard. But you do not have to worry about them until later.

Author's Note: I have encountered, in all my lurks, some very... er, _interesting_ fanfics. So here's my own. Consider it what you will.

* * *

aRt3m1s F0wLols: Teh Fnanfic Busrt

Artemis woke up in his bed in Fowl Manor, wearily rubbing his eyes. What had happened? It was quite unusual for the gifted young man to forget something…anything, really. When odd stuff like this happened, Artemis tended to do two things: switch to a meditative state, and call up the fairies.

As Artemis closed his eyes and relaxed his massively overworked brain, he switched on his small fairy communicator. Simultaneously, two more things happened. Well, several things, really.

First, Butler burst through the door, and Holly appeared at the window. And then, Opal Koboi's face appeared on the communicator. She seemed to be sitting on… Foaly? Next to Mulch.

"Is this some kind of joke?" asked Artemis. "I do not have much experience with this type of thing, you know."

"The CFM broke, Artemis!" shrieked Juliet, who stuck her head up from the duvet cover next to Artemis. The boy stared. "Where did you come from?"

Juliet rolled his eyes and was about to snap back with some witty comment about boy genii never receiving "the Talk," when Holly cut in. "I think that was from a Artiet fic. They're pretty rare, so we know that this is a real problem." Suddenly, Holly swooped in through the open window (her wings had suddenly appeared—plot hole!) and began to passionately kiss Artemis.

"What the—!" snapped Artemis, shoving the OOC off of him. Holly wiped the strawberry jam off her lips and said, "Sorry, that must be another fanfic swooping through. Look." She pointed through the window.

Butler (who had remained the tall, bald, and silent type for now), Juliet, Holly, and Artemis all dashed towards the window as random stories sailed past their ears.

"XtRuExLoVeXaTxLaStX!"

"Where the Hartemis Is!"

"Butler's Secret: Big Slash! XXX"

"… the hell?" said Artemis, only having barely enough foresight to duck as the fanfic nearly hit him in the head. Unfortunately, the monstrous thing hit Butler, and the massive bodyguard dove towards Artemis, arms outstretched.

"Dear God, a run-on sentence," shrieked Opal and Foaly from Artemis' communicator. The boy glared down at them. "Would someone care to explain what's going on?" he asked rather less-than-politely.

Opal sniggered unpleasantly. "As your clever she-Butler shrieked mere sentences ago, the Crap Fanfic Meter has broken. And behind it is none other than _**I!**_ Opal Koboi!"

"Ew," said Holly, staring at the overuse of text effects.  
"Furthermore," continued the narcissistic pixie, "I have captured and am holding for ransom Foaly and Mulch. Unless you give me… hmm, let's see, twelve billion British pounds, I will shove these two into the broken CFM and lock it up! However, most of the crap fic will have wreaked their havoc by then, and damage will have been done! However," continued the narcissistic (and seemingly repetitive) pixie, "If you do pay me in six following chapters, I shall fix the CFM and all will be well. Except for the fact that I will use the money to buy the world's nuclear weapons. Oh, and by the way, I am having Foaly's baby."

The communicator switched off, and left the famous foursome simply staring at the small screen.

"Oh no," sighed Holly. "This author likes alliteration."

"How did that happen?" mused Artemis. "I mean Opal having Foaly's baby?"

"She must have been hit with a couple of really strong fics when she broke the CFM," said Butler. He seemed to have recovered from his brief slash phase and was using his Sidekick to track down his connections in Zurich, Berlin, and Hong Kong. "Where to, first, Master Artemis?"

"Let us shut the window first, old friend," said Artemis, snapping out of his reverie. The four of them had to combine strength against the force of the fanfictions to shut the window. After a couple of remaining fics frantically zoomed out of the room, then fading out of sight, Juliet sighed in relief.

"Okay, what's the plan, Artemis?" she murmured.

"Let me get this straight," Artemis said. "We are no longer in our usual novels, having our usual adventures. We are in the world of FanFiction, dealing with the plots of a deranged pixie and even more deranged fan authors."

"Yes," said the other three simultaneously. At least, they tried to, except that they were in a threesome.

"Really!" exclaimed Artemis, looking around for the crap fanfiction zooming around somewhere. He finally found it hiding under Butler's left ear. It looked like a sulky female teenager, about three inches high and with wings, wearing a T-Shirt that read, "Protector's Love: Those Around Artemis."

"That's disgusting," Artemis said, dumping the fic into his incinerator. The fic became flamed, and sank into the oblivion of Unpopular Fanfiction. Artemis watched as his three friends bashfully disentangled themselves.

"Sorry, Arty," said Holly, wiping Juliet's black lipstick from her eyebrow.

"That's all right, but we need to be more careful next time if we want to get Foaly and Mulch back—"

"Not to mention stop this nonsense," added Juliet.

"Right. Now, I have a plan…."

* * *

The dreaded cliffie apparently escaped from the CFM, too! Before all you-know-what breaks loose, read and review, please!


	2. Chapter 2: Even More Mismatched Pairs

**Disclaimer: Really, what would you do if I said I owned Artemis Fowl? Considering I am not an Irish man, er, no, I do not own Fowl. **

* * *

_Chapter Two: Even More Mismatched Pairs_

Artemis, Butler, Juliet, and Holly stole out into the hallway outside of Artemis' room. As they began to make their descent down the stairs, a scintillating shriek met their ears.

"Oh, Mr. Fowl, you naughty boy! Oh, whatever will I tell Miss Angeline!"

The foursome glanced at one another, and dashed into the Fowl parents' bedroom to find an absolute vision… and Artemis Fowl, Senior. The young woman beside him had long, beautiful red hair, dark lashes, and sparkling emerald eyes. Her ivory skin stretched across her shapely figure, underneath a satin green dress. Did I mention she was a PhD-certified rocket scientist? Who happened to be 5'7"? She smiled graciously at our heroes.

"Oh, you must be Timmy's son Artemis! And his little friends!" She liked to speak with exclamation points. "How charming to meet you!"

Juliet raised a shaking hand. "Is that—what I think it is?"

Artemis nodded, trying to control his fury. "Mary-Sue."

The beautiful woman frowned slightly. "My name is not Mary-Sue! It is Grainné Deidre Keira Knightly O'Flaherty-Dunshire! I am Miss Angeline's half-sister! But I have fallen in love with Timmy!"

All four screamed, turned around, and ran down the stairs.

* * *

"Thank God _that's_ over," muttered Butler, polishing his Sig Sauer. That is, until they heard an even more terrifying sound down in the kitchen… 

Angeline sauntered into the parlor, hand-in-hand with Grub Kelp.

"Aw, Angie, you're even nicer than Mommy!" chuckled Grub.

"EW!" the foursome shrieked.

"More exclamation points!" Holly added.

"Mm, that's my sweet little Grubbly-Wubbly," murmured Angeline as she planted a smacking kiss on Corporal Kelp's nose.

Even Butler shuddered as he shunted the other three out the door.

The group climbed into the Bentley and pulled out of Fowl Manor's driveway.

"So, Artemis, after you hack into Russia's nuclear mission program's bank account, we are going to barter off the C-Cube?" asked Holly.

Artemis sighed. "We do not have any other choices. I can sell the patent for approximately half the sum, and Russia won't notice six billion dollars disappearing." He chuckled. "After all, they didn't notice when Sputnik's design form introverted the atmospheric conditions and faced severe acid damage."

No one added to that, since they had no idea what Artemis was talking about.

The Bentley drove on a bit farther, until Butler noticed a large crowd directly outside the city of Dublin. "Master Artemis," said Butler. "We have a slight problem."

Artemis glanced from the remote-access computer screen and stared in shock. "Not more of them," he groaned.

"What's going on?" asked Holly.

She saw soon enough. A writhing crowd of females between the ages of twelve and twenty-two waved furiously at the Bentley, yelling random facts.

"Artemis Fowl! I won a Nobel Prize last month for building a pocket-sized particle accelerator!"

"Artemis. I earned my PhD in Cantonese when I was still in diapers!"

"Arty-poo! I earned a Nobel Prize in mathematics when I was still in utero! The doctors discovered me during an ultrasound, when I solved seven undiscovered Fibonacci sequences on the wall of my mother's womb!"

"That's insane," said Artemis dismissively, returning his attention to his computer. "There is no Nobel Prize in mathematics."

However, their troubles with Mary-Sues were not over yet. A couple of tall, blonde, beautiful, exotic, brilliant adolescent females flung themselves onto the roof of the Bentley.

"Run them over, _run them over,_ RUN THEM OVER!" cried Juliet. She had begun to sweat in the presence of so many black-belt genii.

"Trying _not_ to," growled Butler as he expertly maneuvered the vehicle through the streets of Dublin.

The car finally arrived in an empty alley outside a gay pub. Artemis and Company stepped out of the car and glanced around. No Mary-Sues in sight. Artemis sighed.

"Great. Well, I have the money deposited into a bank account on the corner of Seventh and O'Hara."

The four walked in silence towards the address, until Holly cleared her throat. "Eh, where is everybody?"

True, the streets were absolutely silent. And soon, the foursome would see what terror lurked in the quiet alleys of Dublin…

* * *

Ooh, cliffie time! 


	3. Chapter 3: The Terror of CanonSue

* * *

_Chapter Three: The Terror of Canon-Sue_

Artemis did not really enjoy life-and-death situations. He reveled in them. They were the meat and drink of a criminal mastermind. However, when the situation is life or be mobbed by a variety of Mary-Sues and new-and-improved self-inserts, Artemis began to panic just a bit.

His fear, however, did not hold a candle to Butler's. The stoic bodyguard was useful when torturing the truth out of paid assassins. Unfortunately, his Sig Sauer was less useful than a water-cannon against Mary-Sues. This did not stop his holding the large weapon defensively, however, as they turned a corner to Seventh Street.

Just as the four approached the bank, they heard a strange sound—almost a shriek, almost a laugh. Butler was immediately on the alert, but slightly taken aback when he saw who leapt out from the bank.

"Yes, Artemis!" it shrieked. "It is I, Minerva Paradizo. I have figured out your plot and am prepared to fight it!"

Artemis stared at her, nonplussed. "There is no plan you need to fight, Minerva. What could you be talking about?"

The Canon-Sue laughed. "But of course, Monsieur Fowl! Your plan, naturally, involves six billion pounds-worth missing from the Russian Missile Program. The money goes towards this bank, where you shall deposit it at various files in Zurich, Berlin, and Hong Kong, as I discovered when I traced Butler's sidekick. You shall collect the impending interest and disperse it to the major fashion companies in New York City, via the C-Cube. After this, you shall run away to Disneyland Paris, with none other than the purchaser of two tickets to said place, Holly Short!"

Artemis and Holly glanced at each other. "I am afraid, Miss Paradizo, you could not be more wrong. As you have proved to be not on my side at the moment, I choose not to disclose my real plans to you at the present time. By the way," he added, this time to Holly, "why did you buy two tickets to Disneyland?"

Holly shrugged. "Mulch and I wanted to take a break from the P.I. biz while Doodah holds down fort. We decided to take a little vacation next Saturday."

"Oh, all right," said Artemis. "Well, we'd best be to the bank now." He tried to push past Minerva.

"Oh no you didn't!" snapped Minerva. "OOCs! Come here, girls."

Suddenly, from every crevice of the city, emerged the most terrifying sight the four heroes had ever seen. Minerva Paradizos appeared, all disgustingly out of character. Most of them wielded machetes or pipe bombs.

"ATTACK!" yelled the Head Canon-Sue, and all the blonde French girls hurled whatever weapons they could towards the foursome.

They all ducked, and the weapons soared over their heads.

"Well, that could have been a lot worse," said Juliet.

She spoke too soon, for moments later, the Head Canon-Sue said, "Canons! Bring out the cannons!"

Large circus-style cannons rolled out of nowhere, and several Minervas dressed in revealing sequined suits climbed into the cannons.

_Oh no,_ thought Artemis, _not the Canon cannons, please don't throw Canon in my face, only the worst fanfic does that…_

"Fire!" yelled the Head Canon-Sue hoarsely.

Half a dozen skimpily-clad Minervas soared through the air. "WE LOVE YOU, ARTY!" they shrieked.

Butler flung himself protectively over the group, but even he could not hold off the attack. "I am afraid, Master Artemis, that there is only one way to defeat the Canon-Sues."

"You cannot mean—"

"Yes. Het pairing."

Artemis glanced reluctantly at Holly. "I suppose that our het is strongest, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Holly shrugged. They began to passionately kiss.

"_No!_" gasped Minerva, clutching her chest. "No no no!" All around them, the Canon-Sues dropped into dead faints.

Artemis put Holly back to the ground. "Well, we've got that over with. Let's go in now." They entered the bank.

A passed-out Minerva was teller, so, not to risk waking her up, Butler shot the safe open and took out a wad of cash. "You can register the transaction via the laptop, Artemis."

"Thank you, old friend," said Artemis, shoving the money into a burlap sack. How proverbial.

"Now, off to meet our old friend, Jon Spiro," continued Artemis. "If I am correct, he is waiting at a restaurant on Cathedral Street a few blocks away. Let us be off."

Little did they know that a cloud of pixie-like fanfics followed them on their journey down to Cathedral Street…

* * *

Agh! And hopefully, soon they will escape from the Cliffies of Death! 


	4. Chapter 4: Crossing the Universe

**Disclaimer: You think I am going to say I don't own Artemis Fowl. No, I do not own any of the following, but that's not the point. I have something else to say… **

**I make fun of these fanfictions purely out of love for them. Some of what I say is an exaggeration, and other things are purely as they are, but nothing should be taken as malicious! It's just a parody, nothing else. **

**And now, on with the show—er, story.**

_Chapter Four: Out of This World_

The shadowy streets of Dublin looked sinister. Very sinister. And the buildings were dark. Very dark. And the silence was ominous. Very—

"Enough of the melodrama!" cried Holly. The others stared at her. "Sorry," she said. "It's just that it's so dark, you can't tell if—"

"Fanfics!" yelled Butler suddenly, pointing behind her. Holly spun around, whipping out her Neutrino, as a winged Fanfic Faerie bit her on the nose.

"Aagh!" she screamed. She had just enough time to read the name on its T-shirt—_Artemis Fowl and a Year at Hogwarts—_before the four of them were whisked away into a different world.

They appeared to be in an equally dark, sinister, and ominous environment—a forest, to be more specific. Artemis looked around to analyze the situation. A few yards away stood three people clad in long black robes. The shorter one, with dark hair and glasses, cautiously approached them.

"Excuse me," said the boy in a rather impatient tone. "But, what are you doing here?"

"That is a very good question," said Artemis. However, before he could continue, the dark-haired boy fell to Artemis's feet, clutching at the Irish boy's Armani suit.

"_I love you_," the young wizard sighed. Artemis groaned.

"Harry Potter, I presume?" he inquired. The wizard nodded. Artemis sighed. "Why do I _always_ get paired with you?"

"Could be worse," cut in Holly. A tall, red-headed boy had picked her up and was now cuddling her. Ron Weasley had begun to drool a bit.

Butler had it off pretty easy. The bushy-haired brunette was rather pretty (in fanfiction, Hermione Granger often gets sexed up) and was petting Dom's bald head fondly.

"Why don't _I_ get a preposterous crossover pairing?" whined Juliet. Suddenly, a sallow, black-haired man stepped out from behind a tree and began to pet Juliet.

This went on for some time before Butler said, "So, Artemis, have a plan yet?"

Artemis wrenched his wrists from Harry's grasp to massage his temples. "Working on it. If only these stupid fictional characters would leave me alone—"

"They're just out of character, Artemis," cut in Juliet. Everyone stared at the girl being mauled by Severus Snape. "Okay, so I read the books. They're really good. They just are sometimes left in the hands of—creative people…"

"Juliet's right," said a muffled Holly from Ron's neck. "I read them too."

Artemis sighed again. "Fine. But we are no better off knowing that they are good when they are in character."

"I'm beginning to miss Minerva," said Holly.

"How do you think I feel?"

"Excuse me," said a small voice. "Perhaps I could help?"

"Oh no!" shrieked Butler in a very un-Butler-ish way. "Not another Fanfic Faerie!"

The little faerie sighed. "I bet I could help," it said. "You just need to go back to my fic, that's all."

"Then where have you been all day today?" asked Artemis.

"I have been with you the whole time," the faerie said stiffly. "You just could not see me, because you were in my fic. Capisce?

"Um. Sure," Artemis and Company said in unison.

"Anyway," said the devious fic. "I will bite you, and you will go back to the regular world—that is, my fic, where you were this morning." It swooped down suddenly on Artemis and bit him on the cheek.

As the foursome found themselves back on the streets of Dublin, they wondered what the point of this adventure was, and what would sidetrack them next…


	5. Chapter 5: The Torture of Jon Spiro

_Chapter Five: The Torture of Jon Spiro_

"That was a completely useless sidetrack," Juliet muttered, wiping Snape's saliva from her cheek. She glanced down the Dublin street on which they had suddenly found themselves. A small café rested two blocks down.

"Look," she said happily. "We're just a couple blocks away from Spiro. Come on."

Artemis and Company proceeded down to the café, where Artemis suddenly stopped.

"Now, we cannot let on that I have the real C-Cube still," Artemis said. "You should all probably stay out here while I talk to—"

The door to the café opened, and Jon Spiro exited the building, arm-in-arm with a certain Australian. Arno Blunt had his arm wrapped around Spiro, and a strange, lovesick expression was on the bodyguard's face.

The four stared. None of them had ever, ever seen a Spiro/Blunt slash. This may very well have been the most disturbing thing they had ever seen.

"This is stranger than when Doodah dressed up as a girl and went on an undercover mission/date with Mulch," said Holly.

Butler threw up a little bit in his mouth.

Artemis cleared his throat. "Thank you for meeting with me at such short notice, Mr. Spiro. I have a business proposition…"

"Oh, no need to worry, Arty-boy! I have the money right here." The man reached around in his trouser pockets for money with his empty hand, then stopped, a puzzled expression on his face. He reached into Blunt's pocket and found the money. "Here!" he sang cheerily, handing the money over. Artemis stared, and Jon turned around to embrace Arno Blunt.

"And now, let us proceed into this fine eating establishment," Spiro said, taking Blunt's arm again. "That's my sweet snucklepuss!"

"Right you are, my cuddly little wombat!" said a very Australian Arno Blunt.

Artemis stared. This was both the worst pairing and the worst out-of-character-ness he had ever seen. Ever. It could very well be disastrous.

Fortunately, none of the four were stupid enough to call out, "Hey, Spiro, you forgot the C-Cube!" They simply glanced at one another.

"Well," said Juliet, glancing around at the others. "I mean, do you really think anyone would read this trash?"

"No," they all said together. Almost immediately, a flame appeared in the middle of the road. The flame shone red, and kept shouting, "idk i've nevr sene scuh a dmub storie! omg wut craaap!"

Artemis, Holly, Butler, and Juliet nervously stepped aside to let the flame into the café. They winced at the sound as the flame incinerated the odd couple.

"Perhaps we should leave, Artemis," Butler quietly suggested.

"Yes," said Artemis, tucking the money into the burlap sack. "We are far ahead of schedule—all of the money and still two chapters to go. However—"

And that was when the scene changed.

* * *

As the mists around them faded, Holly squinted. She thought she could make out, just out of sight, a very familiar form.

"_Root_," she breathed softly. She began to run forward, but Artemis threw out a hand to stop her.

"Wait," he said. "He could be out of character…"

"What did you just say, Mud Boy?" growled the late commander through the grimy cigar smoke. "Out Of Character? Never in my life."

"But you're dead," Juliet quietly pointed out.

"Nice try, Mud Girl," Root snarled, but he seemed a bit more pensive this time. Suddenly, he snapped out of it. "At any rate, I have to warn you: the Authors are coming."

Butler groaned. Artemis rubbed his temples. "So does this mean—"

"New Fanfics," Root completed. "Once they get here, it is very unlikely that you will remain in character for long. Look, they have already gotten to me a bit."

"But you said—" Holly interjected.

"Quiet, Captain! We don't have much time before—"

And then, all hell broke loose.

* * *

Ah! I know it was short. But just a couple more chapters, and our poor canon characters will be free from this torture! 


	6. Chapter 6: Of War and Chocolate

**Disclaimer: Shall include ruthless mocking of everything on this site. Yes, everything. Parallels to reality are coincidental… except, of course, for where they aren't. :)**

* * *

_Chapter Six: Of War and Chocolate (and Penguins)_

It would be an understatement to describe the scene as total chaos. And yet, Mud Men haven't yet invented a better phrase.

Firstly, there was shrapnel flying everywhere. Comma splices, qualifying adverb mistakes, and double negatives whizzed past their ears and bounced off their elbows. Multiple exclamation points (with a hint of netspeak) poured from the heavens above. It was like the Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.

"This is like the Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah," Artemis observed.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious—yet again, you have saved the day," snarled Holly.

"Oh God, no!" exclaimed Juliet. "We have to get her back in character!"

"I AM in character!" shrieked Holly.

"Would everyone please stop using exclamation points?!" bellowed Butler.

"I like ham," said Artemis.

"Would everyone just SHUT UP?" shouted Root with a whistle. Everyone fell silent and stared at the Commander.

"Right, then," he said. "Er, thanks. Anyway, we have to seriously get to work. Otherwise, the Authors will start rewriting this fic—"

"They can do that?"

"Yes. This is what we call review dictatorship."

"Ah."

* * *

They crouched low to the ground as the first wave of the CFM explosion covered them. Artemis whipped out the calculator in his pocket and started typing.

"Where did you get that?" Butler asked.

Artemis stared at the small machine in his hand. "I honestly have no idea. I suppose that, in some fictions, I have to have a calculator. How droll." He chucked it over his shoulder. "Anyway, judging by the magnitude of the explosion, we have about five minutes after this wave before the next repercussion strikes. Then, we can get to the meeting spot."

"Hmmm… I like it when you take charge, Artemis," Holly said coyly.

"No. Just… no." Artemis groaned. Holly shrugged, and then turned hopefully to Root.

"Remind me where the _established_ meeting spot is, Artemis?" Butler queried dryly.

"At the Tara Street underground," Artemis said. "Only a few blocks from here, but we have to cross at George's Quay."

Holly nodded, as her expression grew increasingly dark. "We also have to get past them," she said, and pointed.

Artemis looked up. The approaching legion of fan authors was menacing, to say the least. Cataclysmic, to be more accurate.

"Well," he said. "There's nothing else we can do. On the count of three, we stand up and run."

"Oh, Frond," groaned Root.

"Ready? One, two, THREE!" Butler shouted, far too quickly for anyone's liking. Together, the five dashed into the writhing mob of Authors.

* * *

"And then Butler whipped out his Sig Saucer and started shooting trolls left and right!" trilled a leggy thirteen-year-old, giggling madly. "Cupcakes!" Artemis briefly noted the name Fl0wrP0wr12 on her lavender tee shirt.

"It was a dark night in Vancouver, which meant that the People had to be near," intoned a dark-haired lass bearing the name xDarkxScenexKissx.

"His rippling muscles gleamed under the layer of salty sweat…"

"No! Stop! My ears!" panted Holly as the five dashed across the road. "Keep running, everyone."

"We're trying," groaned Butler. They all had to struggle against the urge to acquiesce to these authors' wishes. It seemed, however, that such denial was possible, if still difficult to achieve. Fortunately, Artemis did not have rippling muscles, they were nowhere near Vancouver, and Butler owned no such weapon as a "Sig Saucer."

"As long as I don't end up in public school again," sighed Artemis. "That has happened so many times, even I cannot count it."

"Surely you are exaggerating, Master Fowl," said Holly sarcastically.

"Never mind the authors," said Juliet, "we still have to worry about—"

"PENGUIN!" Root yelled suddenly, and threw out an arm to halt the others. They all stared as, in the middle of a clearing in the madding crowd, a penguin began to break-dance. Across his white chest was emblazoned the name "Jim."

"Oh God," said Butler.

Holly giggled, and began to kiss Butler. The power of this particular Author was far too strong to be resisted. Indeed, they all acknowledged it.

"Resistance is futile," droned Artemis, firing his pea shooter at Root. Root threw paper airplanes back at him.

"Oh, really, must I be the _only_ practical one among us?" sighed Juliet. She grabbed Artemis by his skinny wrist and began to run. "If only one of us can get to the exchange point, it has to be you, Artemis."

The boy nodded, for he seemed to have snapped out of whatever nonsensicality had overcome him. "Thanks, Juliet. Now, all we need is to cross the Quay, and we will be home free."

They would have made it. They certainly wanted to make it. However, their fate was sealed, sealed irreversibly by the fatal utterance of five unfeasible words:

"_And then the chocolate fell."_

* * *

Meanwhile, Holly had fought off the temptations of eternal penguin-ness. Naturally, she first looked around for Artemis, the leader of their little group. Unfortunately, Artemis was nowhere to be found.

Holly pushed through the crowd and sprinted ahead, cursing under her breath. _We have only one more chapter, and this one's almost over,_ she thought, noticing the end of the page steadily approaching. _Nothing can get in our way, we just can't afford it_. She rounded a corner and froze at the sight ahead.

Not many things can frighten a fully trained LEP captain. Yet this sight, it seems, could do just that. Holly Short took one look at the river of chocolate running through the Quay, and (to be cliché) screamed bloody murder.

* * *

Okay, that was dreadful. Well, the next chapter is the thrilling climax, so hopefully you won't have to wait about seventy years for that chapter! does a few calculations Well, you might, after all...

Ahem, anyway, thanks for reading, sorry for the long wait, etc, etc, and all the rest.

:D


	7. Chapter 7: The Last Chapter?

_Chapter Seven:_ 最後の章?

Needless to say, Holly was a bit worried. They had to reach Opal before the end of this chapter, or else Foaly and Mulch would die, horrible FanFictions would rule their little world, aliens would attack from Outer Space, and Ralph Nader would win the 2008 United States Presidency. Apocalypse would ensue. Yes, quite a bit rested on her slim elfin shoulders right at this moment.

However, she could not panic now. Sure, the chocolate thing stood in the way, but she had to get through it. After all, she did not really have a choice.

That's when she felt a change in the wind.

The distant sound of a shinobue wafted through the air. Captain Short felt a sudden power in her very bones, like she could take on a sentai any day. Her Neutrino 3000 felt as if A Mystical Strength had seeped into it. Immediately, Captain Short was invincible.

"私はJuliet 及びArtemis を救う!" cried Holly triumphantly. She sprinted to the river of chocolate and dove in.

Underneath, she found mysteriously that she could breathe. She also found that she could speak in limited English again.

"All your base are belong to us," she heard from somewhere distant.

Unperturbed, she swam deeper and deeper into the river. Around her, the chocolate had thinned out enough for her to see her surroundings. Strange water plants grew, with twisting and grabbing fronds. The fish that swam by looked suspiciously like gingerbread. She was expecting Hansel and Gretel to waltz by any moment now.

To her left, she heard a peculiar giggling noise. She spun around in the diluted fondue and asked. "What want you of me?"

"You likes the yaoi?" giggled a Moe-fish. "I give you, for free!" It tried to bite Holly's toe. Fortunately, our favorite Captain managed to swim away quickly. No telling what mischief she could have received had she stuck around.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Butler and Root had begun to wonder what happened to their comrades. Around them, all they could see were the teeming masses of FanFiction authors. Unfortunately, they were doing so with annoying inconsistency.

"After they returned from Guatemala, Butler decided to take a swim. After all, Tijuana isn't known for its beaches."

"Root had not died, but the bomb gave him twelfth degree burns! Well, not really burns. He was actually blown to pieces, but Holly resurrected him with the Sword Excalibur! Well, so he did _kind of_ die…"

It was a living hell.

"Come on," sighed Butler, picking Root up and carrying him, protesting, through the crowd. Fortunately, most of the authors were short and in grave danger of being squashed.

They made it to the bridge over the Quay, and looked down. Below them, a river of chocolate ran through it. Briefly, Root considered jumping. He thought of escaping from the insane authors, and how nice the chocolate would smell. Then, he remembered that he had just had this suit dry-cleaned.

"All right, Mud Man, what do you suggest next?" growled the Commander. He had tired of standing on the bridge, watching the crowd trip over itself to pursue them.

"Let's get to the other side of the bridge, first," said Butler. They ran, and tried to ignore the complaints of those behind them. As they reached the opposite shore, Butler shot a line of fires at the edge of the bridge. It crumbled, and fell into the river—taking a number of authors with it.

"Nice shot, Mud Man," commented Root. "Have you ever considered a career in the Recon?"

* * *

The first thing Artemis thought after he and Juliet were engulfed in a wave of diluted chocolate was that he had been in stranger situations. One cannot forget the orange gelatin substance, for example. Artemis still quivered slightly at the sight of marmalade.

Nevertheless, having been written into a story by an obviously sugar-high American preteen was rather peculiar. He did not quite understand the relevance of the chocolate in a literary sense, nor how it offered much of a challenge to them. After all, though the sauce was thick, Juliet could easily swim through it—even while dragging her brother's principle (or is it principal? Too many had messed it up for anyone to know for sure) through the liquid. The only issue presented was that of breathing.

Before they could worry too much about that, however, they found themselves breaking surface somewhere. Artemis glanced around at their surroundings. They had somehow appeared in an underwater cave, probably built into the side of the quay. In the cavern up ahead, they saw a familiar pixie operating a rather small laptop PC. What was the likelihood of this happening? Dubiously low, Artemis decided.

Juliet paddled over to the edge of the cove, still hauling Artemis by the arm. They clambered on "shore" (not really shore, though, since they were still technically underwater) and attempted to brush the brown liquid off. They failed miserably at the latter, of course. Nevertheless, Artemis maintained composure and an attempt at dignity.

"The game is, as they say, up, Miss Koboi," he said in a cold voice. "You have proved, yet again, to be a worthy opponent. However, you have been, yet again, bested."

Opal sneered, as she tossed aside the laptop rather carelessly. "Right, Mud Boy. But before you get too invested in your victory speech, just one more thing: do you have the money?"

"Obviously," smirked Artemis, rather as one of his peers might say "Duh." With a somewhat over-the-top flourish, he presented a soggy bag of money.

"That was a little over-the-top, don't you think?" hissed Juliet.

"Shut up," Artemis replied in an undertone.

Opal, who seemed quite oblivious to all this, laughed maniacally. "Well, too bad! I'm going to kill your friends AND leave the CFM open, anyway. Sayonara, sweethearts!"

"Hey," said Holly, suddenly scrambling out of the cove. "I thought I left the anime section behind back there!"

"It tends to follow you," said Foaly from the back of the cavern. He and Mulch had been sitting in a rather low-tech cage the whole time.

"What_ever_," sighed Opal. She grinned, and picked up a Softnose. Carefully, the miniscule pixie set it and took aim at the cage.

"Wait a second," said Juliet. "Why exactly are we just standing here?" She gave a great yell, and dive-tackled Opal. The Softnose fired harmlessly at a stalagmite (you know…the ones on the bottom, so it didn't fall on anyone).

"Well done, Miss Butler," said Mulch, slicking back his unruly hair (it was a lost cause). "Now, someone, spring us from this rusty contraption."

Holly hurried over to the cage. "Couldn't you have dug out of the cage, Mulch?" she asked. "Or are you completely incompetent?"

"Hey, prisoner here," Mulch said defensively. "Besides, rust is tough on my digestion."

Foaly rolled his eyes. "This is what I have had to put up with for the last six chapters—stories of his digestion."

"You should have seen chapter three," giggled Mulch. "The Wind Beneath My Tailbone."

"That's disgusting," said Holly.

Artemis, meanwhile, had noticed something else. While Juliet was wrestling the officious pixie and Holly was springing the prisoners from their birdcage, the boy genius approached the laptop computer and pried it open. A little window appeared, asking for Artemis to enter the password. Artemis thought for a moment, and typed "truffle." Surprisingly, he was granted access.

Several windows were open. Artemis closed Super Mario Bros. and selected the one marked CFM Monitor. The interface read "12 empty." Artemis considered that all the havoc wrought by such a small percentage, and quickly clicked "Reverse." Satisfied, he leaned back and watched as the percentage quickly depleted.

Juliet held up the defeated and trussed pixie. "Looks like we're done here," she said with a grin. "All I had to do was let her lick my sleeve, and she was sweet as an angel."

"Well done, Juliet. And how are Mulch and Foaly?"

"Alive," grumbled Mulch. "But just barely."

"Oh, stop being such a drama queen," groaned Holly.

Juliet gazed out to the cove. "Well," she murmured. "Is this the end?"

* * *

Well, is it? Only time will tell...

Sorry, that was a rather sick joke on my part. Considering how long I take to update and all. :D


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